Let the outpourings begin.

I didn't tell anyone but Dan about this one. Well, he actually told me. "You should get a blogspot on blogger." he'd say. But why would I need one when I already have myspace and my weekly blogsite?, I thought. He was right. Everyone needs a place to come to, as the song says, to tell their troubles to. I don't want to burden the people I love with more of my whining than I already do, and chances are, no one I know will read this. That's actually a very liberating thought. I could write things down in a journal, but I'm always closer to my laptop, and sometimes, when faced with my actual paper journal, the blank pages can only bring blank thoughts.

I had dinner in the city with Ern last night. I think we would've talked all night if I didn't have to work this morning. It's nice to be able to just chat with someone and not have to worry about what else might happen. I knew in my head what wouldn't happen. I'm not there yet, with anyone it seems. I'm just not ready to commit to something like that right now, although I can tell already that I'd like to spend more time with Ern. I really enjoy his company. His kindness, his open-mindedness and his wit are very easy to be around.  But as much of a "sexual person" as Ern seems to think I am, (and I'm glad he finds me "intoxicating) I'm just finally getting my life back after a year and a half of giving it to my relationship with Mj, and that's a good thing.

I feel better than I have in a while. It's not important anymore for me to remain friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with me. I truly believe that it's his loss. When I think of what a wonderful, colorful-albeit-crazy life I have, and all of the adventures that I share with my loved ones,  I think of how damned LUCKY I am to even be a part of it. And I think of how people like Ern and others want to be a part of it, and I realize that I don't have the energy left to wonder about those who don't. Good luck to them. Their absence just leaves room for others to join in. 

And to think I was willing to go on with just a "working relationship" (ie, booty calls, trips and fun), just because I enjoyed being around this person.  Again, his loss. I'm sure his spot won't be too hard to fill.

Mike's still a spot in my life that's working itself out. I enjoy our friendship. We've been friends (and family) for too long to not try to preserve that now. I know that I don't want to be in a relationship with him like the last one we were in. Talk about failure!

For the time being, leaning on each for support every now and then is turning out to be another good thing.

On a serious note: even though I seem pretty cavalier about my feelings for Mj, it did take me a while to get here. I don't enter into any relationship easily, I fall in love even less easy, and I fall out of love hardest of all. 

Mj's lack of ability to communicate with me post breakup has made the latter easier than I'd like, but at least it's easier. I'm sure he had his reasons for not wanting to remain friends ("baby steps", as he'd like to say), but really, common courtesy to even acknowledge simple "Hope life's treating you well." texts would have been appreciated. Apparently, that's beyond his scope of control, so he'll become the first ex that I haven't considered a friend after the breakup. Life goes on. Without him. Take your baby steps with you and keep walking.

Positive thinking forces me, as always, to not consider the last year and a half of my life a huge waste of time. I'm smart enough to know that I have important lessons to learn before history repeats itself. And I'm humble enough to know that this is all part of my God's bigger plan.

Gotta get ready for a big day and night. Tiki tour tonight...