What's Missing

What's playing in my mind right now: Strange Magic by ELO

I used to love someone that I thought was beautiful, smart, funny and caring. He cared about all the right things, like having integrity, presenting himself impeccably and really letting those he cared about know just how much. The steps he took out of his way to make someone feel special truly spoiled those who knew him.

He didn't care about all the right things, like what people thought about him, how hard it would be to complete a task, and how silly he looked while he was having fun.

When he said he'd do something, you never thought twice about whether or not it would be done. And he would do the things that you never thought twice about doing, although you should've.

His work ethic was admirable. His attention to detail was legendary. His drive and his energy changed his very workplace.

He struggled with his own demons, yet never burdened anyone else. He wouldn't lie, and when others told white lies around him, he would actually do what he could to make their lies into truth.

Since he's been gone, I've asked myself if I've only romanticized his memory and made it much more than it was, but I know I haven't. I know by the same memories that others recount in full detail about him. I know by the way that those who knew him still hold him in the highest regard, years after his death.

I know by the way I've subconsciously measured everyone who's come after him, some 30 years later, by the standards he introduced me to.

Very few have even come close, and it's hard for me to accept anything less, even after all these years.

I miss you, LLM. And I hope you know how much.

...comes fresh hope.

What's playing right now: Everything Gonna Be Alright by Ian Tattenham

Why is everyone so quick to be rid of this year? Was it that bad? I guess I didn't notice. Sure, there were a couple of rough spots, but that's to be expected when you play with fire. But honestly, looking back from January to this present moment, I've no complaints and am filled with gratitude.

If you believe that how you spend your New Year's Eve/Day is how you'll spend your year, then I should have buckled myself in for quite the ride. We partied at Slim's, had dessert in the city, and then I fought with Mj.

On January 4th we went to Vegas and I fought with Mj. A week and a half later, Dan, Indy and I spent a week in Santa Cruz. I fought with Mj over the phone.

In February I flew to Hawaii alone and spent four days on a scooter.

At the end of February we stayed in the city for a Mardi Gras ball.

In March, I broke up with Mj.

The year-in-review is coming up, but that's later. Right now I'm trying not to fall asleep while making the point that my NYE was pretty indicative of how I'd be spending a good part of my year. The year did get better as it got older, but there were some pretty rough spots to weather, to be sure.

Do I have any resolutions? Maybe, but I think I'm who I am and probably a great deal of who I'm going to remain.

I would like some things to change for the better, but I think it might be wiser to focus on changing my mindset about the things I'd like to change. Still with me?

There's a point here, really.

I don't want to make empty resolution promises. I don't want to not make any improvements.

I hope for a better year for everyone, and I give thanks for the one I've already had.

Out with the old, in with the new--whatever they may be.

The gift of friendship.

What's playing on the iPod right now: Dream Again by Franz Ferdinand

Merry, merry Christmas!! If Mom and Dad were alive to share it, this would've been the best Christmas of my life. It certainly ranks right up there with some of the more magical Christmases of my childhood. All the right ingredients were in the mix: good food, good drink and good people. More importantly, the right attitude, atmosphere and appreciation of all three.

It's become abundantly clear to all who were here that the lack of negative energy-draining individuals is far more important than how many positive, happy people are present. To a group of people who are as simple as we are, it's hard to understand why anyone can't be as accepting or as loving as we try to be. We befriend, we love, we give, give, give, until we can't/won't give any more.

We embrace those who embrace life. We get angry at those who waste the gift. We wonder why certain people continue to make excuses, waste time and blame everyone but themselves for their bitterness and their unfulfilling lives.

At one point in the day, when everyone had just shared a laugh, I said, "If you're a mean person, you didn't get an invite to hang out with us." The family knew what I meant and some laughed in agreement and others agreed sadly. We all knew it was true.

We all have our issues, but really, is it that hard to spend a few hours with us in friendship, love and respect? Can you not join us as we make jokes with and about each other? Is it that difficult to join in a heated discussion without taking it personally?

And in some particular cases, is it so hard to come to my home and engage in a few polite sentences with me? Especially when I've been the one who's made the effort to remain friends, despite our growing differences?

Apparently, it is. Our "inner circle" changes continuously, but its core remains constant. My family is something I always wanted to depend on, but for years, never thought I could. Turns out I was wrong and adversely, my family is the most consistent dynamic in my life. This lends to my ever-growing holiday joy.

We don't miss those that we don't see across the dinner table. We hope for their continued happiness, but we know that, if patterns persist, they will remain in a state of constant, unhealthy denial.

The ones who awkwardly visit our home for one reason or another, and don't seem to be able to maintain a functioning relationship with me or any other member of the family won't find themselves welcome before too long.

The house is filled with all good gifts that God has given us, and a few we've given ourselves, like the continued company of each other.

Prisms.

What's on the shuffle right now? Gravity by Sara Bareilles (wth?)

I've been working my ass off. I haven't had to work in a long time, and I still don't have to. I took this position because something told me that I shouldn't pass up this amazing opportunity. My guilt kept me from wanting to be away from Indy for too long at any given time, so I hesitated for a few weeks. Now that we've tentatively worked something out, I'm feeling better about the decision.

From 0-60, I've jumped into this, and when I get home at night, it's all I can do to keep from sitting on the couch and falling asleep. I know that the first two weeks at any job can be stressful, so it's okay for now. I'm fighting the urge to do nothing after work, I mean, who wants that to be their day: work, home, sleep. No thanks. Last night I came home, made dinner, ate, cleaned the kitchen, the family room, the living room and then did laundry. I played some Wii Mariokart with Indy and then fell asleep next to him on the couch. Okay, so I did end up falling asleep on the couch, but it wasn't until after I'd been uber-productive.

This isn't a complaint, however. It's a prelude to my actual point.

In moments of quiet contemplation (like I'm allowed in these early morning hours), I'm even more grateful for the ability to do all that I'm doing. I am given what seems like so very much, but is in all actuality the same as everyone else is given. The difference is, I believe.
I believe that the energy is there for everyone. We are given these opportunities and this infinite amount of energy and our responsibility is to direct this energy in the best way possible. We take in the white light of energy and move it forward into the colorful paths that make up our world. No energy=no light=no color.

Corny? Maybe, but this is how I see it, and it's worked for me so far.

...

What's playing on the iPod right now: History of Lovers by Iron and Wine

I'm sure it'll all come to me somehow. The answers. Or maybe more questions. The New Year is around the corner. The Year of the Tiger. Guess what I am?

Please, please, please. Let it come to me somehow. Or let me find my way to it.

I'm grateful for it all, regardless.

Barn's burned down

now

I can see the moon.

-Basho