Hug me.

What the heck is going on? Bruno had to be put down. He suffered a stroke at the dog park and died later at the vet's. Coal got hit by a car and Ella and the rest of the Tatts are doing what they can to raise money for his surgery...if he makes it through the night.

I feel so clingy lately. Even though one of my arms is fractured, I still want to hug like there's no tomorrow.

Because you don't know if there will be.

 I'm not depressed, I'm just happy to have everyone I know and love within arm's reach.

Crowded

"People who care about each other need to come apart every now and then or they'll just come apart completely." ~EM Phillips

San Andreas. Kilauea. Me.

What do these three have in common? We all need to let off a little pressure every so often, or we'll really fuck shit up.

I called a house meeting the other night and proceeded to chew out every one of my housemates for not going the extra step (much less mile) without having to be asked or told.

I told them that they had no sense of pride of ownership and it showed. I told them that they all waited for someone else to take care of business and that when they finally did something for the house, they did it in a half-assed way. At the end of it, I threw my hands up and walked angrily to my bedroom. 

This may sound like a harsh way to handle negotiations, but it worked. In a house this small and with this many people, you need to have someone play the bitchy bad cop, or nothing will get done. I know the pattern: I'll blow a gasket and they'll get their acts together...for a week or so, and then it's right back to where we were. That's okay because we're probably moving soon anyway, and this is the last time some of us will live together. 

Lately I feel like I've been crowded on the outside and the inside. Not only do I have lots of people to share a limited amount of space with, I've been cramming tons of info into my brain and I'm starting to feel overloaded.

Problem is, I don't have anywhere to go to grab some personal space. My bedroom feels as though it's just as crowded as the rest of the house, so I'm only in there to sleep and change. I know we'll have more room soon enough, but really, it doesn't feel like it'll be soon enough.

I picture myself walking down a less-crowded street, beach, park, etc. and it feels relaxing to even daydream about it. 

This is what keeps me going, but I swear, I could use a vacation.

Hell, even Superman had the Fortress of Solitude.

Green.

After four pre-tests, I passed my green-belt test. Think about the hardest test you've ever taken. Think about the pre-test prep and all of the stress that preceded it. And if it happened to be a test that you had to take in front of an audience, think about all the pre-test jitters from thinking about how you could bomb terribly in front of all your peers, or people you don't know.

Now multiply that by five. This is what I've been going through for the past couple of weeks. All because someone whose opinion I value said that my Sifu was crazy for trying to put me up for my test so soon. 

Someone else's limitations on what I can or can't do wave in front of me like a red flag in front of a bull. 

I worked extremely hard, I focused and I did it. 

Crazy? Yeah, crazy like a fox.

Contemplation

Last night in the shower, I had an epiphany. 

A shower is the perfect place to have a pity party. You can cry and cry (quietly, of course) and all your tears, and eventually your negative thoughts, wash away, down the drain.

I needed this pity party. I have been working so hard, so hard to get to a certain place in my life, and I'm so unfamiliar with the feeling that I may not be able to get there right now.

I am not a quitter. I pride myself on doing what anyone tells me I can't do. Over a month ago someone said that I was "crazy" to try to test for my green belt this Saturday. True to form, over a month ago, I decided to test for my green belt this Saturday.

I don't know what's wrong, but something's not clicking the way it has before my previous belt tests. It's not that I haven't tried to learn the material quickly and thoroughly, I have. It's not that I haven't put in enough hours...or is it? I keep thinking I'd have this down if I only had one week more, but I don't. 

Why would I even consider not testing?  Simple: I don't want to have a half-assed test and fail it. I'd rather postpone it till December and have a better, stronger test.

But whether I test or not won't be decided until tomorrow night, and this uncertainty is harder to take than all of the testing put together. I would love to join the rest of my family on the mat, but I might just have to accept the fact that I'd be better off being better prepared. 

There's a strange calm that comes with knowing that you've done everything you can, and you may just have to accept what you can't change. I don't want to just squeak by. That's for amateurs.

I'm supposed to be an expert.

Sigh

I don't wanna fall I don't wanna fly 

I don't wanna be dangled over the edge

of a dying romance

but I don't wanna stop, I don't wanna lie

I don't wanna believe it's over

I just wanna stay with you tonight.

I didn't mean to scream out quite so loudly 

when we screeched to a halt

I'm just never prepared for the end of the ride

If there's nothing left, can you tell me why that it is

you're holding on to me 

like it's the end of the world?

~The End of the World , Matt Alber

If ever there was a year that was spent learning about life, love and myself in general, 

this would be that year. And we're only in August. 

Going into detail and recounting every important thing that I've learned, big and small, would be more suited for an "end of the year" blog, and frankly, would probably be long and boring. So...

In a nutshell:

I've learned that it's not a bad thing to love. It's a bad thing to love for the wrong reasons. Love alone can't fix things. Love and respect should always go hand in hand. True love feels "right".

There are so many different types of love and it's important to remember not to confuse one for another. 

I've learned that I don't need to beat myself up for mistaking one kind of love for another. I've learned that I don't feel as bad as I did a couple of months ago, and I know that (God willing) I'll feel even better a couple of months from now. 

I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love themself. 

You can't make them truly love themself.

I've learned that it's okay to admit that you still love someone you shouldn't love, as long as you understand why, and why not. Human beings should love each other, after all.

I've learned that it's okay to cry, because grieving is an important part of letting go. 

I've learned that this might go on for a while, but really, I get the feeling that it's almost over.

As Indy laughs and sings while Dan reads him a book, I'm reminded of just how right true love can feel, and how it's a gift that keeps on giving its best, even when I'm at my worst. 

I...

...don't even know what to say. I'm tired. I'm pleased with tonight's performance. I'm thankful that my family's all home safe. I'm sad that my brother is still not free. I'm anxious about tomorrow's format. I'm anxious about next week's belt tests. I'm excited about next week's belt tests. I'm excited about Zack's upcoming red-belt presentation. 

I'm disappointed,  annoyed and angry at the way all of this BART drama is being played out. I'm worried about my BART family. I'm pissed at BART management. I'm curious about District 9. I'm indifferent about my exes. I'm loving my family. 

I'm feeling loved. 

I would elaborate, but it's late and I've got to get some rest before tomorrow.

Hoping, praying and WORKING hard for the best.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

~Buddhist saying

I'd be so happy if things went like this: 

August 22: the entire family passes their belt tests strongly. 

September 3 :we watch Zack perform at Rooster's and drive out to L.A. after the performance. 

September 4 :we enjoy a crazy BIRTH-day in L.A.

September 5 : we go to the NIN concert at the Wiltern. We go to Toi after for Thai and star-watching.

September 12: My birthday party.

This is how I'd like things to go, but even the best-laid plans...

We really need this belt test. We like to push ourselves. We need to celebrate, after. We've had some really serious curve balls thrown our way, and at the time, we weren't even holding a bat. We've been hit pretty hard, and some days, it's all I can do to keep from crying.

My mind has been wandering to places it should never go, and this upcoming black-belt board has helped both my body and mind to stay where they should be. Kinda reminds me of a scene from Star Wars: 

Gold Leader: It's no use. I can't maneuver!

Gold Five: Stay on target.

Gold Leader: We're too close!

Gold Five: Stay on target!

Yup. Half of me is Gold Leader and the other half is trying to stay on target. 

I wonder if the Gold Team ever cried when no one was looking? I know I do.

Priorities

After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

This is a big month for me. In 11 days, I'll know whether or not I have what it takes to be a green belt. 

I love my martial arts school. I just recently found out that the US team, led by our founder, Master Lee, was the first overseas team to win the World Champion Kung Fu Competitions held in China. My idol, Master Flint was on that team.

In our system, getting to a blue belt is the equivalent of getting to most other schools' black belts. In a nutshell, other schools don't put you through half as much as our school does to earn your next rank.

I'm finding out a lot about myself. I know that I have more than I thought I did. I know that I could defend myself, if I had to. I know that no one's gonna put my head through a window, or punch me without me seeing it coming. This isn't to say that I couldn't be the victim of a violent crime; I'm simply saying that I've worked long and hard enough at this to make it second nature. 

There are so many distractions around me. As I've said before, there's always something going on; it's up to us to decide what to listen to and what to ignore.

I could be completely disheartened at the turn of events that are preceding this belt test, but I'm turning the volume down on everything else until after the end of this month. I'm in West Wind almost every day now. We all are, including Indy, and it feels good.  

All the other stuff will just have to take a backseat. My sights are set on the wearin' o' the green...

Powering Through

"Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential."

~Winston Churchill

Ironically, it's a calm, quiet type of pride that accompanies each of my accomplishments. I hoot and holler for everyone else, but smile gently inside at myself. 

I performed last night with my family and then broke bricks today at kung fu. 

More later, as I'm presently falling asleep...

Harder Days.

I've had better days.

I don't know what hurts more, the physical or the emotional prison.  Either one can become too unbearable at times. 

I'm hurting because my brother's hurting. I hear his pain and I can't begin to fathom his desperation. 

I just want to give him his freedom again. I want to give him another chance. I thought we were on our way to getting him a better way of life.

There's so much going on right now. But, really, there always is. We just know what to pay attention to and what to deny. 

There is no way to deny this. 

And I'm scared.