...

The silence says more than all the words. We just pretend not to hear it.  

Now you see me.

Despite all the effort in the world, I guess that's just what happens when you're too readily available to those around you. The sad thing is, there are more people flirting with me now than ever in my lifetime, but all I've done is turn a half-deaf ear. So here I am, being completely taken for granted, (despite all the words--which we all know -when all is said and done- amount to nothing more than hot air). There's always more Facebook to check, or more phone conversations to be had, and frankly, I'm sick of competing for the time when there are those out there asking for some of my time. I know more than anyone how much change is supposed to be blowing my way. There are areas in my life that will absolutely welcome that change with open arms. This is one of them. Time for a few girls' nights out. Hell, it's just time for a few nights out...without the usual hot air. Hey,remember when she was always around, ready to hang out, with free time that she saved for us? When did she get so busy? Now you see me...

Eerily Prophetic aka The Suck

Really dislike it when an emotion precedes an event.

Ah well. You really wanna make enemies? Try changing things.

Thank you, Juda J for the lyrics that keep playing in my head:

Haters keep on talkin' so I must be doin' somethin' right.

Moving on. The arsenal is stocked, the precautions have been taken, but the anger is going bye-bye. I've no need for it anymore. Too much positivity and gratefulness to spread. Got no room for the bad, only more good.

Besides, I'm going on a date, and a frown is not an attractive look. :)

Change.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

It's been forever. I've been busy. I barely have time to gather my thoughts, much less organize them and commit them to a blog. And this blogsite is much too personal for me (even though it's viewable to the public).

I feel the winds of change. Presently they're swirling in gentle leaf-lifting circles around my ankles, but I can feel them building. Soon they'll be blowing down branches and shaking the wind chimes and howling out their spooky hellos.

This year has been an abundantly blessed year, and I've spent a great deal of time being grateful.

Now Dan's accepted a start date for his new position and I've got a second interview scheduled tomorrow. Wow. I guess our "salad days" are coming to an end.

And I can feel a difference in my relationships. We all took a lot for granted this past year, and now I'm feeling a little disconnected. I'm also re-thinking many of my extracurricular activities.

I'm hoping for the best for the new year; I just wish I could shake this melancholy mood that I've carried around for the past few hours.

This is a moment that I wish would pass just a little faster...

Temet Nosce 2

Sometimes we hang on simply because we're scared. Sometimes the fear of not knowing keeps us in a worse state of being.

Sometimes we know what'll happen when we let go. Sometimes the path of recovery is scarier than the damage caused by stagnation.

And sometimes we settle because we know that we don't have it in us to be brave. Not at the present moment, anyway...

...until we get a glimpse of what life could be like without the burden of doing all the emotional work, all the lone patching and rowing of a sinking ship.

We're reminded that there are unselfish shoulders out there who are willing to share the work. We're offered a hand up, a hand to soothe and a hand to hold. And suddenly, all the work we've done, all the effort/time/love that we've wasted doesn't seem to matter.

The good finds the good and pushes aside all of the fear, the bitterness, the expectations and the resentments, to make way for renewed hope and a rejuvenated urge to fight for what's good.

And time that felt wasted, seems like time spent learning.

Know thyself, first.

Temet Nosce 1

"If he doesn't think before he speaks, how is he going to think before he acts?"

"You can't take care of anyone if you can't take care of yourself, first."

"But I have certainly been an idiot. Not only did I not recognize the possibility that I might be killed, I've never REALLY considered the effect my death might have on everyone else in my family."


Sometimes I wonder who we think of. I mean, who are we considering when we make our daily decisions. Are we all that self-centered? Is our focus turned so inward that we forget what and who we have around us?

Do we know who we are? Do we know ourselves?

I know that I know myself better than I have before. I know that I ignore myself too often and I focus on myself just as often.

I know that I am in denial. I know that it's making my stomach hurt.

I know that I'm working hard at something that I should only be giving half as much effort to. I know that the other half of that effort isn't being given where it should.

I know that my bottomless pit of hope actually has a bottom. I know that I now give up where I used to fight infinitely.

I know that words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

I know that I'm better than this. I know that I deserve better than this. I know that I've had better than this. I know that I'm at the doorstep of something much better than this.

Ugh. Indifference is right around the corner.

Just when I think there's hope, you say or do something that brings me right back to reality: You are not an inherently kind person. You could be, you've got it in your blood, but ultimately, you always put yourself before anyone else.

This is what you'll fall back on someday when you're confronted, asked why you did this, or why you didn't do that, or why you're the way you are. You'll cowardly use the line: "I'm not a good person; I tried to tell you."

All that translates to is that you're a lazy person. You're a selfish person. You're a person who had unconditional love from all of those around you and all you did with it was take it for granted and give only the minimum in return. You're constantly falling back on the I'm-not-a-good-person,-so-why-try? excuse. You know what? You're right- you're not a good person. You're a bad person who struggles to do good. I'm a good person who struggles to keep from being bad. No wonder we don't get along for more than a short while at a time.

I'll keep this to myself and not say anything to you about what I've come to realize (because, really, what good would it do?), but I will never have my guard down around you again.