Eerily Prophetic aka The Suck

Really dislike it when an emotion precedes an event.

Ah well. You really wanna make enemies? Try changing things.

Thank you, Juda J for the lyrics that keep playing in my head:

Haters keep on talkin' so I must be doin' somethin' right.

Moving on. The arsenal is stocked, the precautions have been taken, but the anger is going bye-bye. I've no need for it anymore. Too much positivity and gratefulness to spread. Got no room for the bad, only more good.

Besides, I'm going on a date, and a frown is not an attractive look. :)

Change.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

It's been forever. I've been busy. I barely have time to gather my thoughts, much less organize them and commit them to a blog. And this blogsite is much too personal for me (even though it's viewable to the public).

I feel the winds of change. Presently they're swirling in gentle leaf-lifting circles around my ankles, but I can feel them building. Soon they'll be blowing down branches and shaking the wind chimes and howling out their spooky hellos.

This year has been an abundantly blessed year, and I've spent a great deal of time being grateful.

Now Dan's accepted a start date for his new position and I've got a second interview scheduled tomorrow. Wow. I guess our "salad days" are coming to an end.

And I can feel a difference in my relationships. We all took a lot for granted this past year, and now I'm feeling a little disconnected. I'm also re-thinking many of my extracurricular activities.

I'm hoping for the best for the new year; I just wish I could shake this melancholy mood that I've carried around for the past few hours.

This is a moment that I wish would pass just a little faster...

Temet Nosce 2

Sometimes we hang on simply because we're scared. Sometimes the fear of not knowing keeps us in a worse state of being.

Sometimes we know what'll happen when we let go. Sometimes the path of recovery is scarier than the damage caused by stagnation.

And sometimes we settle because we know that we don't have it in us to be brave. Not at the present moment, anyway...

...until we get a glimpse of what life could be like without the burden of doing all the emotional work, all the lone patching and rowing of a sinking ship.

We're reminded that there are unselfish shoulders out there who are willing to share the work. We're offered a hand up, a hand to soothe and a hand to hold. And suddenly, all the work we've done, all the effort/time/love that we've wasted doesn't seem to matter.

The good finds the good and pushes aside all of the fear, the bitterness, the expectations and the resentments, to make way for renewed hope and a rejuvenated urge to fight for what's good.

And time that felt wasted, seems like time spent learning.

Know thyself, first.

Temet Nosce 1

"If he doesn't think before he speaks, how is he going to think before he acts?"

"You can't take care of anyone if you can't take care of yourself, first."

"But I have certainly been an idiot. Not only did I not recognize the possibility that I might be killed, I've never REALLY considered the effect my death might have on everyone else in my family."


Sometimes I wonder who we think of. I mean, who are we considering when we make our daily decisions. Are we all that self-centered? Is our focus turned so inward that we forget what and who we have around us?

Do we know who we are? Do we know ourselves?

I know that I know myself better than I have before. I know that I ignore myself too often and I focus on myself just as often.

I know that I am in denial. I know that it's making my stomach hurt.

I know that I'm working hard at something that I should only be giving half as much effort to. I know that the other half of that effort isn't being given where it should.

I know that my bottomless pit of hope actually has a bottom. I know that I now give up where I used to fight infinitely.

I know that words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

I know that I'm better than this. I know that I deserve better than this. I know that I've had better than this. I know that I'm at the doorstep of something much better than this.

Ugh. Indifference is right around the corner.

Just when I think there's hope, you say or do something that brings me right back to reality: You are not an inherently kind person. You could be, you've got it in your blood, but ultimately, you always put yourself before anyone else.

This is what you'll fall back on someday when you're confronted, asked why you did this, or why you didn't do that, or why you're the way you are. You'll cowardly use the line: "I'm not a good person; I tried to tell you."

All that translates to is that you're a lazy person. You're a selfish person. You're a person who had unconditional love from all of those around you and all you did with it was take it for granted and give only the minimum in return. You're constantly falling back on the I'm-not-a-good-person,-so-why-try? excuse. You know what? You're right- you're not a good person. You're a bad person who struggles to do good. I'm a good person who struggles to keep from being bad. No wonder we don't get along for more than a short while at a time.

I'll keep this to myself and not say anything to you about what I've come to realize (because, really, what good would it do?), but I will never have my guard down around you again.

To friend, or not to friend.

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own.

~Harold Coffin

There is so much more going on in the world; this stuff seems so trivial. It is trivial and petty, but because I've recently renounced the burden of carrying around negative thoughts, I'm obligated to relinquish the following. This time, I'm purging via my favorite medium, the blog. Surprise!

I have no one to blame but myself, I get it. Even though I only sought out 21 of the 300+ plus friends that I have on facebook, no one said that I had to approve anyone else's friend request. I've hit the approve button over 300 times, so I have to take responsibility for continuing to view all of the posts, comments and other daily fb accoutrement. After all, the button clicks both ways - I can also hide comments, and if necessary, defriend just as easily.

But before I do either of those, I'd like to get this off my chest, and then be done with it.

Maybe some of you out there can relate. Maybe not. Maybe Chunk is dead.

Frenemy (alternately spelled frienemy) is a portmaneau of friend and enemy that can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival. The term is used to describe personal, geopolitical, and commercial relationships both among individuals and groups or institutions. The word has appeared in print as early as 1953.

Dear Frenemy,

I'm a little confused. Maybe you can help me clear up a few things.

Why did you friend me?

Why did you check out all my pics and posts?

When and why did you decide that I was your competition?

To be honest, I didn't pay much attention to your posts until it was brought to my attention that you copied a few of my posts, almost verbatim, and then one-upped me in each one. (e.g. , Mine: Walked three miles, then biked six. Felt great!! Yours: Walked four miles, biked, swam and made a killer dinner for my family. Felt better than ever.) If I say I'm baking bread, you say you're thinking of opening a bakery.

One time is a coincidence. Two times is flattering. More? Well...

When facebook changed their format and we all updated our info, I listed my three paid professions. Shortly after, you listed your five, two of which we have in common.

When I posted a new profile pic, you posted a similar pic.

This is just getting creepy.

Imitation is the highest form of flattery, so I should be flattered. But really, I'm starting to feel bad for you.

I've been asked how I remain so positive; what's my secret? A long time ago, I realized that, flaws and all, I really like myself. (It's heartbreaking that so few people can say that.) I stopped waiting for a better form of myself to emerge before I started taking chances, living life, and fully appreciating all that my mind and body do for me every day. And the funny thing was, as soon as I started liking myself, I noticed it became contagious. Then I became more grateful for every moment that I had to be me, and I noticed again that there was more to be grateful for. This wonderful cycle has been in motion since I first learned to like myself. That's my secret: there is no secret.

Do I get sad? Of course. Do I get angry? You bet. Do I realize that it's all just part of the impermanence that we're passing through? Yes.

I may be off the mark, but I'm thinking that you may not like yourself enough to like others unless there's something to be gained, or, you don't really know who you are, and become envious of those who do and act accordingly.

When I approve someone's friend request, it's because I hope to actually become friends. I'm not talking about just an acquaintance with whom I have a passing familiarity, or similar friends, or who I might run into at an event; I'm talking about developing a friendship that involves calling or texting on the phone, or making plans to spend time together. You know, getting to know more about each other's lives.

Making continued excuses for not meeting in person, not showing up to support my posted events, and not, at the very least, leaving a nice comment when I post a pic or status that shows something good going on in my life (i.e. vacations, gigs, happy occurrences) tells me that you have no intentions of actually becoming a friend.

If you're reading this now (and I'm guessing you are), know that I wish you light and love, and most importantly, that, before you friend others and then secretly resent or envy them, you friend yourself first.

Bridges and water and other cautious reminders.

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.

~David Russell

I hate being cryptic. I'd rather say what I want to say and not have to guard my words for fear of saying too much, but there are too many people who don't know my secrets, and too many secrets that I'm not ready to share. I'm very close to having a Liar Liar meltdown, and clearing my slate of anyone who can't handle the truth.

At this moment, I'm making a list of all my truths, and checking it twice. Lately, it seems that every time I turn around, I'm presented with a new opportunity. I guess that's what happens when you have many passions - you knock, and many doors open. The trick is sorting out which ones to pursue, and which ones to leave behind.

It gets even harder with people. My momma told me to be very careful about burning bridges. "You never know who you'll need to turn to down the line," she used to warn. She was right about being careful, so I have been. But I've definitely burned some bridges. Turns out, I don't regret any of the choices I've made so far. Am I sad for the lost relationships? Not really. Most of the relationships I've ended were one-sided and draining. Looking back now, I can see that most of the people I cut off were headed down their own self-destructive paths, and from what I've heard through the grapevine, are still on them. You can't move up if you're weighted down by the addictive actions of others.

I get the strong feeling that the universe wants me to take a long, hard look at the relationships I have now to see if they're working, and if they're not, why not?

I recently had a great dinner with an old friend, and although the past is always within arm's reach, it's best to not pull it back too often. We're different people than we were back then, and I'm more interested in making new memories. I don't want to make the same mistakes we did before. I'm tired of learning things the hard way.

Life moves forward, or it stagnates. And too much water under the bridge can eventually drown you.

Take me anywhere. Just don't take me for granted.

In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then

to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.

~Bertrand Russell

I like and appreciate myself and make no apologies to those who don't. I feel bad for those who don't...like or appreciate themselves. Or me.

The drawback to finally treating myself with all due love and respect is that I expect others to do so, as well. But is this expectation really a drawback? Should we settle for less? I don't believe so, but we all have. We all do.

The line between being a trusted, comfortable element in another person's life, and being taken for granted because you've always been there, is a thin and unforgiving one. Remember, every time you don't do or say something when you should, you're leaving room for someone else who could, and probably does. Don't make someone wait because you know they will.

You don't know that at all.

I'm hanging on to all that I love, and reminding myself that in the blink of an eye...

everything could change.

I do know this.

Happy Love Day.

Me ---> :*

Me = <3

Me = -_- Zzzzzzzzzz

Goodnight! Happy Valentine's Day. ;)

xoxox

Weather happens whether you like it or not.

What I've got they used to call the "blues,"

nothing is really wrong

feelin' like I don't belong

hangin' around, nothing to do but frown

rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

~Karen Carpenter

According to the Mayo Clinic: Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

At least we SAD sufferers know we're not crazy. But, Kierkegaard - we've labeled what's wrong; why can't we negate it? I know, I know. This isn't what he meant.

I'm trying, but I'm really dreading the thought of spending the next six days inside the house, doing chores and watching the rain.

Update: Just as I was fretting over this:

I got a sweet Valentine's Day greeting.

I forgot it was Valentine's Day! Suddenly, staying inside, sipping tea and hot cocoa (and even doing chores) doesn't seem so bad. Warm thoughts and warm hugs and kisses > rainy days and Mondays.

On the other hand...

I get to hang out with a couple of my favorite people, at a couple of my favorite spots next Tuesday night. Who needs temptation when you've got a sure thing? After all, a bird in the hand...

ha ha. ;)

The High Road...brother.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

~Mark Twain

I've been wondering about temptation lately: while the consensus stands on temptation as a test, what's actually being tested is where I find flaw. The idea of gaining strength through resisting your temptation, and thereby reducing its future allure, seems to be the easy way out.

What if we're really being tested on our ability to be strong enough, courageous enough to yield to temptation? What if our curriculum vitae is supposed to contain more moments of bravery, moments in which we walked the tightrope, without a net?

And if not, why is it that we regret the things we didn't do, so much more than the things we did?

Just wondering.

Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.

~Oscar Wilde

One for the road.

The most important things are the hardest to say,

because words diminish them.

-Stephen King

"Hey Mike!" I called out through the open door, hoping he'd hear me downstairs in the living room. "Hey what?" I could hear him coming back up as he asked. I hugged him and said, "Please be safe out there; I don't want anything to happen to you."

"That's all you called me up here for?" He seemed pleasantly surprised. Later, I felt bad that he should be surprised.

At the risk of setting the women's movement back a few decades, let me state that most of the women I know are overly-analytical creatures. We think (we hope) he's pondering the deepest of thoughts when really, he's just thinking about cheese. Or sex. In our spare time, we're constantly going over what we said, what he said, what we did, and what we could've done. So, in the true esprit de l'escalier, it's no wonder that I'm constantly kicking myself in retrospect.

There were so many times when I could've shown more love.

In all fairness, and this might come as a surprise to those closest to me, I'm really very shy when immersed in the throes of the deepest heartfelt verbalizations. When me love a lot, me no talk good. Lacking the words to truly elucidate the depth of my emotions, I often joke when I should be serious.

To add to it, I've been taking for granted that I'll get another chance to tell those closest to me just how much they mean. This is a very bad habit to get into.

Since it's still early enough in the year to create good habits, I'm making it a point to stop whatever I'm doing long enough to send my loved ones off with a healthy dose of hugs and love. I've got plenty of that to go around, and there's nothing more important than showing love to those around me.

Island Girl

For me its balmy airs are always blowing, its summer seas flashing in the sun; the pulsing of its surf is in my ear; I can see its garlanded crags, its leaping cascades, its plumy palms drowsing by the shore, its remote summits floating like

islands above the cloud-rack; I can feel the spirit of its woody solitudes, I hear the plashing of the brooks; in my nostrils still lives the breath of flowers that perished twenty years ago.

- Mark Twain, a Biography

No one really knows how rough it's been for me this past week. After spending a week in paradise, I don't think it's fair to complain to those who stayed behind. When I'm not running around, I'm back to wearing sweaters and using the blanket in the family room. (How can it be warmer outside than it is inside??) I'm sick of this cold. I'm missing the warmth. I'm missing the connectedness. I'm missing the adventure. All kidding aside, this feels like withdrawal.

The big island was my favorite for years. When I was on the big island, I remember floating on my back in a pool, listening to Hawaiian music and staring up at Orion in an inky black sky, thinking, this is as Hawaiian as it gets. Then I discovered Oahu by scooter. You can't get the same views or the same feeling of adventure when you're traveling by car. Now I'm longing, yearning to feel it again.

I am not a cold-weather girl. I was born in the Philippines and grew up in pre-polar shift California. My sis and friends agree that winters were not this cold and summers were not that short. Last year we were lucky if we felt a total of three warm weeks. This does not help my seasonal affectiveness disorder.

I thrive when I spend time near a beach. The less I have to wear, the better. I'm more energetic, thus more productive, and I smile all the time. Sure, it's easy for me to say, since I don't have to live there, but the best day at the office can't be better than the worst day working in Hawaii. No matter what happens at work, you're still in Hawaii at the end of the day.

I'm working on plans to be able to stay there for at least a month at a time. There are many people to consider first, so we'll see what happens and hope for the best.

In the meantime, I'll have to buy a full-spectrum light bulb, grab sunshine when it's available, and continue my search on the mainland for the world's best Mai Tai. Right now, the titleholder is where I want to be - some 2,390 miles southwest of San Francisco. 21:18:25 North Latitude, 157:51:30 West Longitude, to be exact.

Unresolved...

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.

~Anaïs Nin

Ugh. Each year, by this time, I'm already too burned out to even think about making (much lesskeeping) a New Year's resolution. Think about it: we've spent the last two months planning, cleaning, cooking, hosting, feasting, drinking, buying, wrapping, decorating, and doing it all over again, with barely a moment to rest in between. A New Year's resolution? Are you kidding me?

Sure, like you, I'm excited about the hope that a New Year brings; the tabula rasa is important for those who need to make resolutions that add up to simply being better people. For someone like me, however, whose resolutions are daily, the thought of coming up with one big habit-change to discuss at New Year's parties and in small talk at the water cooler, is akin to pinpointing my favorite band or movie, which changes with my mood.

Among the list of favorite resolutions taken from facebook posts, these were appealing, but again, it's like a weekly grocery list to me. I know what I need.

Eat healthier.

I'm all for this one. I'm already a health-conscious cook and foodie, but by this time of year, I'm actually craving more veggies. The thought of one more sugar/butter/chocolate-laden cookie makes me a little nauseated. Sure, I'll bake a ton of them and give them away, but I'm no longer excited about the taste-testing.

Spend more time with people I love.

Sure. This is always a good one.

Get organized.

Duh.

Work out more.

This isn't a bad one, although it should be: find a partner who inspires you to work out more, rather than the other way around. I'm pretty tired of always being the one to suggest the workouts, and working out on my own is fine, just not as fun.

Having come from a family of Filipino/Irish that can't go a week without bugging each other and catching up, I'm always amused when I receive the yearly family newsletters from Dan's side of the crew. Didn't we all just see each other at Thanksgiving, and then again at Cynthia's annual birthday gathering, just two days before Christmas? Don't we all have facebook accounts? Maybe these curriculum vitae are actually intended for the far-away, shut-in members of the family that no one gets around to seeing during the year, and we just happen to be on the mailing lists. Maybe getting around to see those family members could be a New Year's resolution for someone to make.

In the meantime, to supply an answer to the inquiring, I think my resolution will be to learn more sign language. Ya never know when it'll come in handy.

Get it? Handy? Nevermind.

Happy New Year.