Not so broken. Not so apathetic.

Charlie: They'll find us. They have satellites in space that can take pictures of your license plate.
Sayid: If only we were all wearing license plates.

Oh my goodness. The cashier at Cost Plus started to tell me that yesterday she had a really bad day. "I mean, a really, really bad day." I understand that all she really wanted was someone like me to tell her that everything would be all right, after she politely asked how I was. I knew she really wasn't interested in how I was. And so I told her, without hesitation, that today was indeed a new day. She saw the hope and sincerity in my eyes and was grateful.

Yesterday I was almost completely apathetic. Today I decided to open my mind. My heart is still a little guarded, and understandably so. My reasons are my own, dear reader, but that's not what's important here. After opening my mind, the Universe taught me one lesson after another. Some stung a little more than others, but I learned a little in the process.

I'm not going to say that everything's fine. I'm sure that everything just is.

Sayid was one of my favorite characters for a dozen reasons, but mostly because he was so practical. His lack of emotions in his past had led him to an overly-emotional state, which led him to the island. While on the island, his emotions were once again guarded, then tortured (ironically) and then, (even more ironically) lost.

In my not-so-humble opinion, Sayid was at his best when he was on a mission, when he had goals. He was intelligent, resourceful, brave and deadly. He was also sad, skeptical and caring, despite himself. A broken teddy bear with weapons, if you will.

He didn't have time to delve into the islanders' drama. He was usually focused on getting them off of the island. The drama served no purpose and only hurt him when he did get involved.

I'm thinking of surrounding the treadmill with posters of some of the characters that influence me in positive ways. Naveen's Sayid is definitely one of those people.
And besides all of his character's charms, he's one tasty truffle.

Apathy. Broken.

Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.
~Rollo May

I'm trying, but I can't feel much. Maybe it's because I haven't slept right in a week; maybe it's because I'm hormonal; more than likely, it's because I felt something inside me break a little bit this past week, and despite the emotional high of being present at a baby's birth, I'm feeling like Sayid during the last few episodes of LOST. Or not feeling, rather.

There's lots more that I'd like to post here, but I'm fading fast. More on this topic tomorrow.

Limbo? More like lame-bo.

What's playing on the iPod right now: Please Don't Ask Me

Ah, limbo. What a lovely space to hang out in while you're waiting to see what happens next.

-Insert exceedingly clever sarcastic comment here.-

Such a funny word, too. Sometimes I hear it in my head as "leem-boh", as in "Everybody leem-boh!" and I picture people in beachwear trying to shimmy their way under a pole, while island music plays into the night.

And other times, I envision a sad, Calvin-Kline commercial voice whispering a breathy "limbow" while monochromatic Salvador Dali-like images of clocks and people float in and out of focus.

For an instant-grat girl like me, the latter depiction of waiting in limbo can be hell. I'm not disciplined enough to thwart the what-if's and worst case scenarios that roll fog-like over my good thoughts. I pre-wallow in the muck and mire, so as not to be caught off guard, should the worst case come to fruition. Silly, silly, I know. Did I mention that I'm still honing my good-thought processes?

I should also mention that I'm the one who threw myself into Limboland last night, so I'm not looking for tea and sympathy. Well, actually, tea would be nice. Still, no matter how I got here, it's infinitely worse than hanging out at the DMV. And you know how pointless that can be.

But, despite having dual-citizenship in the land of limbo and the here and now, I've always been able to handle the not-knowing with the help of the one constant in my life:
hope.
I keep hope alive and it's consistently returned the favor.

Until time and proof (the enemies of hope) march in with the stoic determination of the police and street sweepers at midnight on Mardi Gras, and order me to move on, I have hope.

Do you hear that out there in blog-follower land? I have hope.

Just remember that midnight is right around the corner.

Happy Monday! Oh, wait...it's Tuesday!

Off to the farmers market, and then to organize, clean and work out. Right at this moment, I have everything I need. There are a couple of things that I want, but they're material things that I really don't need. Constant craving can indeed be neutralized by deep breaths and contemplation. I'm focused on making my surroundings even more enjoyable than they already are. A little tweaking here and there ought to do the trick.

So my attitude reflects my realization and my Tuesday calls for my attention, so that my loved ones can reap the benefits of my labor :) This life of gratitude is usually right at my doorstep, waiting for me open up. What a lovely thing.

Happy Tuesday!