Wasted Time?

What's playing in my head? Wasted Time by the Eagles

Time is the wisest counselor of all. ~Pericles

My blood sugar level is low...my disconnected thoughts will probably reflect this. If I leave this computer, however, the dozens of distractions outside of my bedroom door will guarantee that this never gets written. And I really wanna write this one. I hated writing the other ones and had a gun to my head, btw.

Riiight.

Before my friend/first love/mentor died, we had a conversation that I can still remember clearly. (And don't be sad for me, or him. He was too good for this world and deserved to be in a better place.) He told me, among other things, that he tried not to waste time regretting anything. He believed everything happened according to a plan. He spent his time trying to help others, and as far as I knew, did everything he could to keep from hurting anyone. It's easier to have no regrets when you live your life taking the higher road.

I spent a good part of last year regretting choices I had made. I spent the last part of the year reevaluating relationships that had run their course. I spent the beginning of this year angry at myself for wasting so much time before letting go of those regrets and relationships. I was mad at myself for a decade of behavior worthy of Sisyphus. I wanted to take back my years and the huge pieces of my heart that I'd given along with them. I was wasting more time regretting all the wasted time. In Hades, there was a rock and a hill somewhere with my name on them.

Ahhh, the lightness of being regret-free. Time heals all, including the desire to inflict more pain on myself, thank goodness. I'm not mad anymore. At them. At me. "They" were all great while they were a part of we. They are still great and a part of we in my memories.

They shared. They endured. They taught. They taught me everything I couldn't learn on my own. For that alone, I am grateful that they were a part of my life.

Clouded in anger, I viewed a great deal of my time spent with them as an uphill battle. Now, in a calmer, clearer state, I see the path I walked with them as part of a great labyrinth. Dan told me that labyrinths are meant to be walked on while pondering a particular problem. The solution usually presents itself by the time you've reached the middle. A great deal of us have no idea who we really are until we walk deeper and finally, find ourselves inside.

Time spent in love is never wasted time.

"So you can get on with your search, baby
and I can get on with mine
and maybe someday we will find
that it wasn't really wasted time."

-Don Henley/Glenn Frey

She's leaving town. And then she's writing about it.

What's playing on the iPod right now: She's Leaving Town by the Beatles

By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Ten minutes ago, I decided that we're taking a little vacation this weekend. Oh, I know, with only a weekend to do it, it's more like a "getaway." Whatever. Vacation sounds better. Besides, "Laughter can be an instant vacation," according to Milton Berle - thus reinforcing my theory that it's not the amount of time spent away, it's what you do with it. Quality versus quantity, again.

There are those who do and those who blog. While watching Anthony Bourdain make fun of people who blog about their food, rather than enjoy their food, I realized that there are those who do and then have something to actually blog about, and then there are those who pretend to do, or don't do at all, and have nothing substantial to say about it later (or during, as in the case of the food bloggers).

I try harder than anyone I know to do and then have something to say about what I've done, motherfucker. ;)

I don't blog about martial arts tournaments without going through the blood, sweat and tears of competing in one.

I don't blog about riding in the Pride parade without renting a u-Haul and dragging my bikes to the city at 6:30 in the morning.

I don't blog about my high school reunion without having been on the planning committee for months and spending time and gas to rehearse with the reunion band.

I don't blog about discovering the back roads of Hawaii on a scooter without taking the five-hour flight and bravely wandering off the beaten path alone.

And I especially don't write a novel about my tenure as a bouncer without having spent the year and a half in nightclub craziness, first.

I blog about everything, yes. But I do everything, first. I blog because I have things to blog about. And if I say something in a blog, I'll back it up. I've always welcomed my readers to call me out on anything I post.

I like who I am because I usually step up to the challenges. A few people that I've detached myself from usually hid behind something, (e.g., a drink, another plate of food, another lame excuse) and backed down from the challenges. Then they threw little verbal sticks and stones at the people taking on the challenges and blogging about them. Poor things, looking for any reason to distract themselves from the redundancy of doing nothing new and brave. Didn't Aesop write a fable about this? Sour Grapes, I think it was called.

Then again, these types are usually the ones who gossip the most and look at themselves the least. You can't really blame them, the mirror can be a scary place when you don't like yourself both inside and out. That kind of toxic negativity is very draining to be around, and it's not very conducive to creativity...like writing.

You have to be brave enough to blog in the first place; people who don't write usually can't.

My first novel is finished! I've taken my love for writing and expanded it beyond the blogs. I'm hoping someone likes it enough to represent me. Pouring yourself into a novel is exciting and exhausting. I think Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith put it best: There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.

So now, I need a little vacation. By this time last year, I'd already done Vegas, Santa Cruz and Hawaii. I'd say we're overdue. It would be great to take a road trip with my loved ones.

Besides, I need something new to blog about...

She who laughs most...

Lately, my poor friend DJ only blogs about how the "haters" are getting him down. I told him to stop. He can't change what they think/feel/see about him; why would he want to? I asked him if their opinions really mattered that much to him. He said, "No," but I told him they must, if it's all he can post about nowadays.

I reminded him that hate is like an acid that eats through whatever vessel is carrying it around. I also told him that the energy he's wasting while worrying about how much others dislike him, is better spent living his life in a way that makes him forget about the haters altogether.

I asked him if he had someone to love (that also loves him, because that's just as important), a happy home and lots of laughter in his day. He said, "Yes." I said, "Congratulations. You will always have someone around who's hating, and it's usually someone who doesn't have what you have."

I also told him, "If you spend your day doing/laughing/loving instead of watching and making excuses for not doing/laughing/loving, you'll find that you're much too busy to worry about what the haters are currently hating about you. And at the end of the day, whose life would you rather be living?"

Today, he posted something about spending a great day with his happy family. I loved it!

And I'm sure someone hated it. :)