Contemplation

Last night in the shower, I had an epiphany. 

A shower is the perfect place to have a pity party. You can cry and cry (quietly, of course) and all your tears, and eventually your negative thoughts, wash away, down the drain.

I needed this pity party. I have been working so hard, so hard to get to a certain place in my life, and I'm so unfamiliar with the feeling that I may not be able to get there right now.

I am not a quitter. I pride myself on doing what anyone tells me I can't do. Over a month ago someone said that I was "crazy" to try to test for my green belt this Saturday. True to form, over a month ago, I decided to test for my green belt this Saturday.

I don't know what's wrong, but something's not clicking the way it has before my previous belt tests. It's not that I haven't tried to learn the material quickly and thoroughly, I have. It's not that I haven't put in enough hours...or is it? I keep thinking I'd have this down if I only had one week more, but I don't. 

Why would I even consider not testing?  Simple: I don't want to have a half-assed test and fail it. I'd rather postpone it till December and have a better, stronger test.

But whether I test or not won't be decided until tomorrow night, and this uncertainty is harder to take than all of the testing put together. I would love to join the rest of my family on the mat, but I might just have to accept the fact that I'd be better off being better prepared. 

There's a strange calm that comes with knowing that you've done everything you can, and you may just have to accept what you can't change. I don't want to just squeak by. That's for amateurs.

I'm supposed to be an expert.